Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
