i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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