an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
