If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
