she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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