you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
