She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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