so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
