I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
