paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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