The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
