The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
