NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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