i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
