I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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