Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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