why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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