cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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