Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my shit smells like andre
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
