The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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