i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
40s are totally the cure
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
