Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
