Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
