So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
