i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
