Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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