I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
