it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
