Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
