Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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