I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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