I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
