I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
