yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
