I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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