so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
