guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
