so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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