Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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