1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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