it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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