Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My vagina just recognized that song.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
