the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
