How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
