It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
