So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
