And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
