i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
