My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
