the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
