OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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