i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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