You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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