apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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