if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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