swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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