Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize