spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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