I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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