You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
