I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
